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The Authentic Body Project blog is now here

Noticing Judgements

I've been listening to Mary Allen (aka Life Coach Mary) interview masters of coaching. One recent listen was an interview with Leza Danly of Lucid Living. The nugget that has stayed with me for several days now is Leza's statement, "the choice to judge is the choice to stay the same" because authentic, lasting change never comes from a place of shame, guilt, judgement.

The idea that lasting change comes from love, joy and self-acceptance is a core principle in the Authentic Body Project, and what Leza's statement provokes is a higher awareness of how frequently I judge. No judgement about the judgements, just noticing and the beginnings of curiosity...

• I get up in the morning and step on the scale - hmmm what is my response?
• Thinking about blogging about stepping on the scale brings up the whole conversation about whether daily weighing is a good thing or a bad thing - there's another judgement.
• Breakfast - "healthy" shake or Baker's Breakfast Cookie?

It goes on and on, all day long...

What is so powerful about Leza's statement is the idea that we choose to judge, and yet it seems to happen almost unconsciously, without thinking about it. These patterns that keep us stuck...

What are you noticing about judgement, and choosing to judge?

"The Way You Do Anything...

... is the way you do everything"

I've heard this attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, but several minutes of googling finds no attributions at all - another urban legend?

I'm taking a quilting class from Heather Thomas - really, an Advanced Design class where our medium is contemporary art quilting. One major aspect of this class is working in a series, and I've chosen Gabrielle Roth's Five Rhythms (flow, staccato, chaos, lyrical, stillness) as the theme of my series. I've done some noodling and doodling about flow, staccato and stillness, in turn. I experimented with some fabric painting - not really satisfied. I notice that I get stuck in this thinking about, possibilities stage because I'm afraid that what I implement either won't live up to my vision, or won't be successful in communicating the essence of the rhythm.

I thought twice about enrolling for this class as the start date was in the midst of all that was going on with my Mom, and don't I have enough on my plate? Now I realize that this is the perfect class and now is the perfect time (of course!) because what working in a series is about is not necessarily conceptualizing and implementing five quilts that perfectly evoke each of the five rhythms, but committing to trying something that evokes flow or staccato or stillness, and then stepping back and assessing what works, what doesn't work, what I would do differently, and then doing it again. So, this series of five rhythms quilts could have fifteen or twenty quilts. It's about the journey of my development as an artist.

Likewise, the authentic body project is about this ongoing assessment of what does an authentic body mean to me, and what evokes that? What's working and what's not working?

Now, Me

My focus since landing back in Denver on Saturday has been to re-fill the reservoirs - remember my running on empty pattern?

First order of business: flopping in front of the TV and vegging out, catching up on reality shows that I missed while I was gone.

Sunday, I had a few errands and I moved through the day at a leisurely, relaxed pace. Manicure, shopping, trying out a new recipe for Blue Cheesecake. That evening I went to a bon voyage party for Cynthia as she heads off on a European adventure - follow her on JourneyJuJu. Met up with some old friends, met some new friends - good medicine for this ENFP. The Blue Cheesecake got rave reviews.

Back into the work week, the calendar is light. Early to bed, and sleeping until I wake naturally.

These are the ways that I nurture myself, in ways that don't involve compulsive overeating. And that's enough for now.

Home Again

Stepping on my scale this morning for the first time in a couple weeks, I'm glad to see that I didn't gain any weight while I was in Portland. I brought as much consciousness to my eating choices and this project as I could muster amidst the whirlwind of activity. I ate out much more frequently than usual - mostly because there was an incessant fruit fly problem for the first week and a half that made it all but impossible to eat in the house. We finally found the source of their nutrition - a forgotten potluck dish tucked away in an unlikely place by my mother in her confused state.

Especially at dinner, I focused on eating exactly what I wanted to eat, eating slowly and consciously enjoying each bite. A time to slow down amid the turmoil and relax, having fulfilled whatever responsibilities to others were going to be fulfilled that day.

My assessment is that I walked around the compulsive overeating hole in the sidewalk more often than I fell in, and to do that during two of the most stressful months I've experienced in a number of years is an accomplishment worth celebrating.

In My Mother's House

I've been away from the blog, but not away from the project. We moved my mother into an assisted living facility at the beginning of the month, and now, I am staying at her house outside of Portland, OR for a couple weeks, helping to clear it out and prepare it for sale.

The hole in the sidewalk that I have been falling into is "running on empty". Between the actual clearing/organizing work, the logistical details, running over to see Mom every day (I live 1000 miles from here, so I want to pour in all the love and attention I can as she makes this difficult adjustment), and continuing to work remotely at my day job, there is little time for self-nourishment - physically, emotionally, spiritually - and I have little hunger for mental nourishment. Normally, an avid reader, I'm only a few pages into the novel I bought at the airport.

If I were to point to a chapter in the previously posted Autobiography, I would say I'm vacillating between chapters III and IV. The values driving several of my choices over the past ten days have been fast and convenient. I'm skirting the hole now, having been to a couple natural groceries - still picking up fast and convenient, but at least these choices are also healthy and tasty, unlike the drive-throughs.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open. I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

In co-active coaching, we talk about 'deepening the learning and forwarding the action'. What I love about this simple poem is that it provides a template for how to do that with awareness and compassion. Notice she doesn't say "My eyes are open. I know where I am. If I could just figure out what's wrong with me and fix it, I could get out. If I could just find the right diet, I could get out." Rather, "It is my fault" (awareness, deepening the learning). "I get out immediately".