Now, Me

My focus since landing back in Denver on Saturday has been to re-fill the reservoirs - remember my running on empty pattern?

First order of business: flopping in front of the TV and vegging out, catching up on reality shows that I missed while I was gone.

Sunday, I had a few errands and I moved through the day at a leisurely, relaxed pace. Manicure, shopping, trying out a new recipe for Blue Cheesecake. That evening I went to a bon voyage party for Cynthia as she heads off on a European adventure - follow her on JourneyJuJu. Met up with some old friends, met some new friends - good medicine for this ENFP. The Blue Cheesecake got rave reviews.

Back into the work week, the calendar is light. Early to bed, and sleeping until I wake naturally.

These are the ways that I nurture myself, in ways that don't involve compulsive overeating. And that's enough for now.

Home Again

Stepping on my scale this morning for the first time in a couple weeks, I'm glad to see that I didn't gain any weight while I was in Portland. I brought as much consciousness to my eating choices and this project as I could muster amidst the whirlwind of activity. I ate out much more frequently than usual - mostly because there was an incessant fruit fly problem for the first week and a half that made it all but impossible to eat in the house. We finally found the source of their nutrition - a forgotten potluck dish tucked away in an unlikely place by my mother in her confused state.

Especially at dinner, I focused on eating exactly what I wanted to eat, eating slowly and consciously enjoying each bite. A time to slow down amid the turmoil and relax, having fulfilled whatever responsibilities to others were going to be fulfilled that day.

My assessment is that I walked around the compulsive overeating hole in the sidewalk more often than I fell in, and to do that during two of the most stressful months I've experienced in a number of years is an accomplishment worth celebrating.

In My Mother's House

I've been away from the blog, but not away from the project. We moved my mother into an assisted living facility at the beginning of the month, and now, I am staying at her house outside of Portland, OR for a couple weeks, helping to clear it out and prepare it for sale.

The hole in the sidewalk that I have been falling into is "running on empty". Between the actual clearing/organizing work, the logistical details, running over to see Mom every day (I live 1000 miles from here, so I want to pour in all the love and attention I can as she makes this difficult adjustment), and continuing to work remotely at my day job, there is little time for self-nourishment - physically, emotionally, spiritually - and I have little hunger for mental nourishment. Normally, an avid reader, I'm only a few pages into the novel I bought at the airport.

If I were to point to a chapter in the previously posted Autobiography, I would say I'm vacillating between chapters III and IV. The values driving several of my choices over the past ten days have been fast and convenient. I'm skirting the hole now, having been to a couple natural groceries - still picking up fast and convenient, but at least these choices are also healthy and tasty, unlike the drive-throughs.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open. I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

In co-active coaching, we talk about 'deepening the learning and forwarding the action'. What I love about this simple poem is that it provides a template for how to do that with awareness and compassion. Notice she doesn't say "My eyes are open. I know where I am. If I could just figure out what's wrong with me and fix it, I could get out. If I could just find the right diet, I could get out." Rather, "It is my fault" (awareness, deepening the learning). "I get out immediately".

Self-Love: The Crown Jewel

the time is at hand to acknowledge our passion, joy, vision and beauty; time to accept our perceived shortcomings, faults and dirty laundry; time to allow self-love to flourish and grow."

Mimi Shannon
Self-Love, The Crown Jewel

What I know is that we do not change from a place of self-condemnation, of judgement, from the perspective that there's something broken that needs to be fixed. It's not a case of making up for deficiencies. Rather, how do I engage my creativity, my passion, my joy, my beauty and take action from there?

Noticing

Noticing a trigger: I got caught up in work yesterday, and forgot to eat for hours. Even when I first noticed how late it was, I wasn't really hungry. But watch out! Because I know that once I come back out of my head and into my body, I will start to experience the hunger, the level of hunger appropriate to having gone that long without food.

Noticing how I choose: on another day, a day when I'm not present to my desire to eat what nourishes and delights me, I might just swing through a fast food drive-thru oblivious to the fact that although it sounds like a good idea at the time, it is truly neither nourishing nor delightful. Last night, I chose food that met all three values of fast, nourishing and delightful. Not as fast as the drive-thru, but the nourishment and delight more than made up for that.

Noticing and savoring the foods .... yummy!

Authentic Body Project Launch

“To transform the world, we must begin with ourselves. However small may be the world we live in, if we can transform ourselves, bring about a radically different point of view in our daily existence, then perhaps we shall affect the world at large, the extended relationship with others.”

J. Krishnamurti

Today, on my birthday, I’m launching my authentic body project. One of the desired results is weight loss, and I’m not “starting a new diet”. One of the desired results is a stronger body, and I’m not “starting a new exercise program”. Which isn’t to say that an astute observer might not notice changes in behavior.

The difference is that I’m not looking at it as a puzzle, or a problem to be solved by some program that is really just a “good idea” – if I can stick to this program, then I’ll achieve the results that I want – it’s not like that.

It is about discovering a radically different point of view that arises out of my strengths, instead of trying to fix my weaknesses. One that evolves out of small organic changes rather than discipline, willpower and self-control. It is about my Being reaching toward my authentic body the way a sunflower reaches toward the sun.